"How's your husband today?"
"Oh, much better today, how's yours?"
"He's lookin' a lot better too. They're goin' to move 'im out of the Insensitive Care Ward tomorrow"
Everyone in the lift stared at their shoes and tried to stifle their giggles as their minds conjured up images of jack-booted nurses turfing patients out of their beds with cries of "Come on, there's nothing wrong with you!"
For many years I was a walks leader for HF Holidays. After dinner it was customary for the leaders to describe the walks they would be leading the next day. One time I was due to lead the easy walk, it was very short as it allowed time to look around a castle in the afternoon. I described the walk in some detail and was surprised when a Scottish lady asked, "Whereaboots?" I started to explain again...."Och, no no no," she cried, "I meant 'Shall we wear...our...boots?"
On another evening at HF I was due to lead the longer walk. I explained that the coach would drop us off in the morning at a mountain pass so that we had a relatively short uphill walk to the summit but that people should be aware that there then followed a long, long descent back to the house. I summed up at the end by saying "...so there's just over one thousand feet of ascent but more than two thousand feet of descent." "I say!" said an elderly gentleman, "We're going underground!"
The first time my grandmother visited a supermarket we asked her what she thought of the experience. She answered, "I'm sure more people would go if it wasn't so crowded."
My Grandpa went blind in one eye in his later years. He came back from the hospital to tell us that the doctor had told him that nothing could be done as it was just the result of old age. "I knew that was wrong", he told my father, "the other eye's the same age and there's nothing wrong with that one!"
Boy near the front of class: "Yes, Sir, but I don't mind swapping places with someone who can't".
Old Bert used to do odd jobs around the farm and often went out shooting rabbits or pigeons. One day I pointed out a rather distant rabbit to him, "Too far away", explained Bert, "'Twould strain the gun!"
On another occasion Bert took off his boots to reveal one blue sock and one brown one. "Nice pair of socks!" we quipped. Bert looked thoughtfully at his feet, "Arr, I got another pair like that somewhere."
One day in the special school where I worked we had a new teacher. Admittedly it's always difficult to find age-appropriate material for teenagers with learning difficulties but we all cringed when she proceeded to tell them the story of the Pied Piper. When she finished she asked one of the boys if he thought it was a happy story or a sad story. "Oh, I should think it's a happy story" he replied mischievously.
"But how did those parents feel when their children disappeared into the mountain?" she prompted.
"Rich!" came the reply.