Tuesday, 19 July 2011

They Said It....

These snippets of conversation have all been heard by me over the years or told to me by friends. No phone-hacking was involved!

While descending in the lift at Addenbrooks Hospital in Cambridge I overheard this conversation from two ladies who'd been visiting their sick husbands:
"How's your husband today?"
"Oh, much better today, how's yours?"
"He's lookin' a lot better too. They're goin' to move 'im out of the Insensitive Care Ward tomorrow"
Everyone in the lift stared at their shoes and tried to stifle their giggles as their minds conjured up images of jack-booted nurses turfing patients out of their beds with cries of "Come on, there's nothing wrong with you!"

For many years I was a walks leader for HF Holidays. After dinner it was customary for the leaders to describe the walks they would be leading the next day. One time I was due to lead the easy walk, it was very short as it allowed time to look around a castle in the afternoon. I described the walk in some detail and was surprised when a Scottish lady asked, "Whereaboots?" I started to explain again...."Och, no no no," she cried, "I meant 'Shall we wear...our...boots?"

On another evening at HF I was due to lead the longer walk. I explained that the coach would drop us off in the morning at a mountain pass so that we had a relatively short uphill walk to the summit but that people should be aware that there then followed a long, long descent back to the house. I summed up at the end by saying "...so there's just over one thousand feet of ascent but more than two thousand feet of descent." "I say!" said an elderly gentleman, "We're going underground!"

The first time my grandmother visited a supermarket we asked her what she thought of the experience. She answered, "I'm sure more people would go if it wasn't so crowded."

My Grandpa went blind in one eye in his later years. He came back from the hospital to tell us that the doctor had told him that nothing could be done as it was just the result of old age. "I knew that was wrong", he told my father, "the other eye's the same age and there's nothing wrong with that one!"

New teacher: "Can everybody hear me OK?"
Boy near the front of class: "Yes, Sir, but I don't mind swapping places with someone who can't".

Old Bert used to do odd jobs around the farm and often went out shooting rabbits or pigeons. One day I pointed out a rather distant rabbit to him, "Too far away", explained Bert, "'Twould strain the gun!"

On another occasion Bert took off his boots to reveal one blue sock and one brown one. "Nice pair of socks!" we quipped. Bert looked thoughtfully at his feet, "Arr, I got another pair like that somewhere."

One day in the special school where I worked we had a new teacher. Admittedly it's always difficult to find age-appropriate material for teenagers with learning difficulties but we all cringed when she proceeded to tell them the story of the Pied Piper. When she finished she asked one of the boys if he thought it was a happy story or a sad story. "Oh, I should think it's a happy story" he replied mischievously.
"But how did those parents feel when their children disappeared into the mountain?" she prompted.
"Rich!" came the reply.

Take care.


  1. I particularley like the last one:)

  2. These made me laugh! Here are two of my own:-
    My brother's father-in-law always bedded his garden out with bedding plants and always boasted that he had a wonderful show of antitirhinums!

    An old man who lived near my grandmother started working for a firm when he left school at 14. When he was seventy they suggested it was time he retired. He remarked that had he known the job would not be permanent he would never have taken it.

  3. Very funny stories, indeed!! I love listening to other people's conversations as they walk through the store where I work. We sell clothing items at $2.00 each, and many people have said...it's unheard of! I always smile. I also have two British couples that come in quite regularly and it is their duty (they tell me) to give me a hug from England. Trust me, I NEVER turn those down!

  4. Loved the stories! People are such interesting creatures!

  5. Hi Rowan! Yes, the young man in question, despite having quite severe learning difficulties had a rich and wonderful sense of humour. I don't think anyone could have put that teacher down quite so successfully!
    Hello Weaver! I expect the antitirhinums would have looked good beside the rodeo-dendrons and perhaps the cotton-easter bush!
    Howdy Liz! In England we have Pound Shops where everything costs £1. I'm told they still get asked "How much is this? It's got no price on it."
    Hiya, Farm Girl! As they say in the North of England "There's nowt so queer as folk!"


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